Devil's Deal
2:02 pm
You
know, the thing about loneliness is exactly how they say it is: you
don't really feel alone until there's somebody to talk to. Loneliness
unwraps its dusty wings only when you begin to silently choke on all
the words, on all the poison you're unable to spit out. The moment
you can open your mouth and not agree and react and reassure with it,
all that tension and spite is gone. Venting, they call it, a way too
innocent and clean expression that is so misleading to hear. For you
aren't really just exhaling your troubles away, you're twisting and
turning and slowly getting impregnated with a thought, then you
suffer through a long verbalization and realization period and end it
with an excruciating and shaky birth. Even after that you're weak and
vulnerable and any said line that may be understood as mildly
offensive can wound you to the core. Possible leading to years of
healing, simply because you get hurt for being honest. For letting
the guard down.
And
yet you do, you do go to the friend and occasionally stop nodding and
gather all your strength to finally get rid of that demon spawn
hatching inside you, eating you away from the inside - And just
after the bitter placenta of your horrific insides, you get shot
down. You get slashed, right in the face, in your blabbering mouth,
stabbed in your trusting heart and tearful eyes. The one you trust
misreads you, turns away, trivializes you. They just plain start
their own little story. They continue. And your hands shake as you
raise them to shield the wound, to at least hide away the blood. Not
that they'd see it anyway. They don't look.
And
then you either go all defensive and hurt and never let an honest
word leave your lips again about yourself, or you choose to embrace
your own solitude and spawn your demonic child and befriend it.
Should you choose the first, you may continue to enjoy the luxuries
of friendship and companionship, all those tiny heart-warming things
humans can do for you as long as you keep from getting too personal
with yourself. What I mean is, sacrifice yourself on the altar of The
People. So you wouldn't be alone. So the people who don't realize you
might need to not only listen, but talk, too, keep you by their side.
Because they might even love you, they might even believe they do,
act like they do, or tell you they do. It's just they don't know you
enough to learn how to listen. To not just sit and wait for their
turn, but to physiologically alter their ears to hear your
words, what you have to say. They may not care enough to learn
that. They may not realize they need to. But the outcome is still the
same:you'll have to bury you to survive. Should you go down the evil
road, the path of the unknown and bestial; should you choose to carve
the demon out of your body with pain and tears and blood only you can
see, then will relief get to you. You will breathe again, holding
your burden in your arms you will be able to draw the night air into
your wheezing lungs. And you will look around and there will be
nobody on that path save the two of you. You and your demon. And you
will feed its tiny body rocks and minerals and dust, until it becomes
the unbreakable companion that is from you, that came of your mind
and flesh. It will protect you, yes, it won't let a breathing thing
come close to you ever again, to hurt you, to touch you. To love you.
It will keep the world with all its eccentricities at bay, out of
arm's and sight's reach. And even though it will only live on some
yellow paper, tarnished and crumpled by the ages, it will be with you
forever, keeping you alone. It will impregnate you with more of its
kind and you will begin to breed swarms of monsters that live in you
and then on their world of paper only you can access. And you will
always bleed. You will feel heavy and broken a lot. These demons
though, they will chant and curse and dance to provide you with
endless numbness and nepenthe, so you would bleed, but not cry as you
would otherwise. And you will live.
And
should you die one day, they will live on, breeding your mind into
the cycle of forever.
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