It feels like having run for days and nights long through forests and plains and reaching a dark clearing, muddy and green, swelling of liquefied matter. It feels as though you're standing in the middle of a circle of silent trees, ankle-deep in the uncomfortably warm ground and vegetation, looking around, eyes wide to spot anything but blackness. Bewildered, you mistake bacteria on your eyeballs for animals or people lurking in the distance. You want to yell for help, but there's no way of knowing if somebody will come rushing or something will come to tear you up and feast on your very being. Perhaps there would only be that cloud-clad silence without any repercussions, swallowing up your scream without an echo. Hiding the noise under the thick, low-hanging skirt, so it could be forgotten, and denied. Heart pounding, muscles burning, eyes and mouth dry, there you stand afraid to breathe too loud and afraid not to.

It feels like that, this loneliness.

Not that I think there are monsters lurking in the darkness, waiting for me to turn off the lights. I don't fear the lack of human warmth, not to be touched, or kissed again. It doesn't seem horrifying to imagine the burial grounds at night.

It's only this choking, this invisible, silent choking on words. It's this consensual silentium of the world, where you may listen, but never be heard. Where you raise your voice and are shushed with shouts. Where the subtle tone of your mind is the grandest sin to vocalize. It's offence, it's weakness, it's taboo, and it is mostly undesirable. It's too much, too boring. Too you. So you gag on all the soliloquies and ideas, you think and thus, lose focus. Focus on the great external mouse-trap, of the ever-turning wheel that is built to keep you broken and occupied enough not to ever come up with anything reminding of an original thought.

But, of course, it could be just me being silly. It could just be an egotistic notion to believe that any of that matters. Maybe it's a different language they cannot decode. It very well may be a tongue so foolish-looking and mock-deep that nobody understands it.

The effect is the same either way.